


Shortfall

by prayerful



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28428570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prayerful/pseuds/prayerful
Summary: A series of encounters capturing a pseudo-love story and its in-betweens.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 12
Kudos: 18





	Shortfall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lucillo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucillo/gifts).



> Edited on 01/03/2020 - Added song.

**♦ ♦ ♦**

Oikawa Tooru has an estranged relationship with desire. 

Ever since he could barely walk, he has longed for things that seemed as if they were never made to be within his grasp, to be placed on his palm. It comes close, closer that Tooru could almost touch it with his fingertips, until he blinks, and the item is no longer there in front of him, slipping away quietly. It has always been like that, and it does not even stop at possessions but with the individuals that have entered his life. They come in, alter its contents, and go out the next exit they spot, just when Tooru was about to give them the go signal to stay with him a little longer. 

The first (and what he had hoped to be his last) instance was a childhood friend that never dared to leave the confines they have found comfort in for the longest time, that of which housed a friendship that transcends time, nothing more, nothing less. And Tooru should be happy, he really should, but there's a hint of wonder, that possibility of gaining more if they pushed the boundaries a little further. But Hajime was adamant that his love never meant devotion, and Tooru was growing tired of objecting to such composition, thus he surrendered to the limits of dreaming. 

Kita Shinsuke knows to never ask for more than what is given to him. 

Greed remains a word, never manifesting itself in his actions. His eyes, hands and heart were only meant to receive what others could give him, and he could not, will not, complain. Shinsuke will not question inadequacy nor abundance, just accept them as the way they are, the way they’re built. Gratitude is a skill he must hone, his grandmother would tell him, and so Shinsuke remains thankful for opportunities he received as well as those he did not, dreams he fulfilled and those that remained in theory, and individuals that stayed and those who figured out the world is bigger, much bigger than what he could offer them. 

Shinsuke never begged him to stop packing his bags and leaving his apartment. He watches silently as the closet becomes empty, as the dining table becomes for one instead of two, as the last thing he sees is his wide back, and his gleaming hair against the fluorescent light of the hallway. Shinsuke does not think of the what-ifs, the could-have-beens. Instead, he sits at the living room and finishes the television drama playing, thanking the young man for the time they’ve spent in each other’s arms. It doesn’t matter whether his sweater becomes tear-stained, or the deafening sobs he made, he still remains grateful all the same.

Aspirations are foreign to Tooru.

Avarice is unheard of for Shinsuke. 

They find that a middle ground exists for the two of them, in a reunion, in a dimly lit bedroom, in a cafe, in a year or two.

What begins afterwards is a series of encounters capturing a pseudo-love story and its in-betweens.

**INT. TOORU’S BEDROOM - NIGHT**

“You never hold onto me for any time longer than five minutes.” Shinsuke notes as he slides off one side of the mattress.

It’s a Friday night, and they both came home from a reunion, that of which entailed fake smiles, laughs, and a whole deal of lingering gazes that meant _let’s get out of here._ Once they reach the door, their hands never leave each other, lips remain connected as they fall onto the clean sheets and into the night.

“You’re asking me to hold you more? I never saw you as the clingy type.” Tooru replies as he puts on jeans and a shirt on the other side of the bed.

“I’m not asking you to do it,” Shinsuke stands and buttons his pants. “I was just stating a fact.”

He faces Shinsuke. “I guess it’s because I’m scared I’ll break you.”

“That’s a lie, Oikawa.”

“It’s not! Believe me.”

“I won’t break and you know it, judging by your performance.” Shinsuke bends his head and stretches his arms until he hears a sound.

“You say that now, Kita, but I know you’ll tell me otherwise in the future.”

Shinsuke decides to play a game. “I’m not your beloved junior.”

Tooru doesn’t back down. “Neither am I yet here we are.”

They stay silent, glaring at each other. After a while, they begin to laugh, harder, louder, at the lunacy they both are victims of.

“When will we ever get used to this fact?” Oikawa asks.

“I believe not anytime soon.”

“Is that a ‘yes’ to another round?”

Shinsuke sighs as he stops buttoning up his shirt. “Alright, one more before I leave.”

Tooru pulls him closer and they both fall. Once more, once again.

**EXT. SHINJUKU GYOEN NATIONAL GARDEN - DAY**

They find a common time on a spring afternoon, contrary to their frequent meetings in the dark. They both discover that they enjoy sceneries and parks and so they go to the nearest one, with Tooru paying for their food, and Shinsuke paying for the entrance fee. They walk along the cherry blossom-covered path, and find comfort on a bench under a shade while exchanging pleasantries, stories, interests, those of which are not often said. Tooru begins opening up, surprising Shinsuke. Yet, Shinsuke is filled with gratitude, knowing the fact that the other puts his trust in him. He decides to reciprocate such feelings.

“It was hard watching him go,” Shinsuke begins. “I thought I could talk about it often, and two years later I still struggle with the words.”

Tooru observes him closely. “I understand, it was hard for me to see him around, too, and remembering the pain I caused him.”

“I’m sure you didn’t mean it,” Shinsuke assures. Tooru huffs.

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to comfort me. After all, I only know how to break things.”

Shinsuke tilts his head. “What made you say that?”

“That’s what he said,” Tooru says. “And I couldn’t help but agree.”

They stay silent, until the curiosity within him couldn’t be kept within anymore.

“Can I ask you something?” Shinsuke asks. Tooru nods.

“How do you do it?”

Tooru looks at the sky and admires the shade of blue it has. He remembers his eyes and how they share the same color, how it became full of tears.

He looks down and back at Shinsuke. 

“Love, and love, and love, until there’s nothing left.”

Shinsuke stares at him, at the absurdity, at the carelessness. He sighs. 

“Good thing there’s nothing to begin with, with us,” He comments. “Nothing for you to break, then.”

At that, Tooru smiles, but not without a hint of pain. “That’s the beauty in us, I believe.”

“And the lack thereof,” Shinsuke says as he stands up and offers his hand to the other.

Tooru answers, taking Shinsuke’s hands and standing up with him. 

“And the lack thereof.” 

**INT. SHINSUKE’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**

\--MUSIC CUE: ["Sigh" by Big Naughty feat. GIRIBOY](https://open.spotify.com/track/2BkpDA0AyGPHzyae6wWtZW?si=95eNTzpGRKKGfokkPuMLTg)\--

“What are we going to do, Oikawa?” Shinsuke asks, one hand on a spatula, the other being pulled by Tooru, dragging the young man away from the stove and into his living room. 

Tooru does not answer and instead walks up to the stereo. He inserts a disc into the player and selects a song. It starts with a slow rhythm, an electric guitar playing such tender tunes. As the pace picks up, a man’s voice begins to sing a relaxed melody. Tooru offers his hand to Shinsuke, winking and gesturing that he should take it. Shinsuke, despite the presence of reluctance, holds onto Tooru. A lower voice begins to croon and the chorus comes back on. The duo twirls around the living room, circling the coffee table in the middle, Shinsuke still with the spatula in his right hand. Tooru rests his hands on Shinsuke’s lower back, his eyes closed, his lips curved into a smile. 

There should be an alarm blaring off inside their heads now, but there’s none. Just this song, just this track playing in the background. They close their eyes, until Shinsuke begins to speak.

“What are we doing, Oikawa?” He whispers, like they’re doing something prohibited.

“Dancing,” Tooru responds.

“No, seriously.” 

Tooru sighs and opens his eyes. He is met with pupils that asked for reassurance. “Do you really want me to say it?”

Shinsuke thinks and smiles. “Just so we don’t get lost along the way.”

Tooru nods, and they glide through the hardwood floor.

“We’re fulfilling our contract.” Tooru begins.

“Which is?”

“To pretend.”

Shinsuke tilts his head. _Pretend?_ He meant to say. Tooru thinks its sickening, how they continue moving to and fro when they don’t have anything in common, except for one painful fact.

Tooru then repeats himself. “To pretend to be the people who we really cannot be with.”

Shinsuke smirks to himself and laughs softly. Tooru thinks he must have lost his mind.

“Ah,” He looks up at Tooru. His eyes glistening against the ceiling lights. “It hurts differently when you say it out loud.”

Tooru smiles. “When did it not hurt, Kita?”

“When we make believe that we chose each other because of the right reasons.”

“We did once, remember?” _A year and a half into this, we tried to make a week meaningful._

“I do,” Shinsuke remembers the grandiosity. “And yet we still ended up like this.” 

“Were we fashioned by the gods to have this fate?” Tooru abruptly asks.

Shinsuke stays silent. They swing a few more times before he speaks again.

“I hope not.” Shinsuke says.

“But are you at least glad we met each other?” His tone remains hopeful.

Shinsuke looks up into those dark brown irises. He sighs and smiles.

Tooru knows the answer. Shinsuke knows it too. And yet.

“Let’s just finish dancing,” Shinsuke replies as he pulls away as the song slowly becomes white noise. “The song’s almost up.”

\--END MUSIC CUE--

**INT. TOORU’S BATHROOM - NIGHT**

“Stay here longer.” Tooru begins, as they both sit in the bathtub, filled up to their chest. He has his hands around Shinsuke, holding him closely before he floats away, away from his reach.

Shinsuke stretches his arms, moving Tooru’s arms away. “You know I can’t.”

“Why not?” 

“Because then we’ll have a repeat of a past that has already failed,” Shinsuke stands up from the tub. He turns to face Tooru. “And I don’t think we signed up for that.”

Tooru conjures up thoughts, pleas, anything. He settles with desperation.

“Can’t we try again?” He asks. “I get it, the pet store date was a bad idea.” Shinsuke laughs at the memory. “Let’s do something else instead.”

Shinsuke smirks as he grabs the towel hanging on the door and proceeds to dry his hair.

“It’s not that, Oikawa.” He replies with his back turned to Tooru. “It just gets a bit tiring, don’t you think?”

Tooru grips the edges of the tub a little tighter than usual, his knuckles turning white, fingertips becoming a shade warmer. He stands bare as Shinsuke hands him his towel. 

He then counters the sudden silence with a laugh, empty and alarming. He clutches his stomach, as if to stop the pompous act, telling himself that Shinsuke could see right through his cracks. He stops eventually, sighing heavily and giving a look to Shinsuke that meant surrender.

“I suppose it does.” He finally replies.

Shinsuke watches him in defeat, his heart praying that he hears his silent apologies.

**EXT. BLUE BOTTLE PARKING LOT - DAY**

“What do they call those who do things for selfless reasons?” Shinsuke asks one day as they’re seated by the bench. Tooru looks up from his phone. 

“Martyrs, I think.” He replies.

“Can they call us that?”

Tooru snorts. “You think we’re being selfless here?”

“No, you’re right.” Shinsuke says, nodding his head along. “I don’t think so.”

“What we’re doing is the exact opposite, Kita.” Tooru informs the other, as if he is not aware of it himself.

“What will they call us, then?”

Tooru takes a sip from his cup.

“Fools.”

Shinsuke then releases a loud laugh that echoed throughout the lot. Tooru watches him as he tilts his head back, still laughing out loud. It’s such a beautiful tone, laced with such agony. 

He wipes the corner of his eyes afterwards. 

“That sounds about right.”

**♦ ♦ ♦**

What began then was a series of encounters that captured what they had hoped to be a pseudo-love story and its in-betweens. 

As it turns out, their tale was not too far from what they were running away from. They finally leave the middle ground that existed after three years, two months, and twenty days.

Tokyo has made him covetous. And so, Shinsuke moves back to Hyogo.

Yearning has made him into a bigger fool. And so, Tooru forces himself to forget his childish dreams. 

With numbers deleted, sheets changed, hearts locked, they await for the novel life they think they deserve. 

_Sometimes you recognize truth_

_Because it destroys you for a bit._

_\- Akwaeke Emezi, Freshwater_

**Author's Note:**

> [❀](http://twitter.com/inflamist)


End file.
